By Dr Eben van Blerk

Most of us from time to time say something (or do not say something) that we regret. Our intentions were good but our behaviour did not match up. Our good intentions were hijacked by our emotions. Often, this is stressful for us and for others. This is where our emotional intelligence (EI) and specifically empathy can assist us to manage our emotions in order to live our good intentions.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is the ability to see a situation from the perspective of others. It is understanding the feelings and thoughts of others as they experience the situation and putting yourself in their shoes.

Empathy means being there for someone, listening to them and having a sincere interest in their feelings and perspective. It is an honest and practical demonstration of their importance to you. Empathy is about connecting emotionally. In the process, we build bonds that often last a lifetime.

Lack of empathy

Why are we considering empathy? A lack of empathy affects the bottom line in companies. It leads to morale problems, disengaged employees, poor conflict handling and resulting loss of profit. Customers experiencing a lack of empathy leave. They tell everyone willing to listen about their bad experience and encourage them not to do business with you anymore. By not being empathetic, you may be seen as not caring, aloof, not respecting others and insensitive to their feelings. This may trigger feelings of anger and resentment leading to broken relationships on a business and social level. Sometimes, when your name is mentioned years later, these feelings are rekindled.

Benefits of having more empathy

Empathy helps to build long lasting trusting relationships. Seeing the world from the perspective of others helps you to act appropriately in any given situation. When you show empathy, the other person feels valued, respected and listened to. This will connect you to them emotionally. People will feel drawn to you and stay by your side. This will result in give-and-take behaviour where they will be more likely to care, listen, help and support you as well.

Empathy self-test

Consider the following statements:

1. Yes/No: I sometimes struggle to understand what someone else is feeling and what they might be thinking under their current circumstances.
2. Yes/No: I find it difficult to see things from the perspective of others or put myself in their shoes.
3. Yes/No: Sometimes, I am not able to feel with the other person.
4. Yes/No: I often fail to assure others that I am there for them and that they are not alone.
5. Yes/No: I am indifferent to people dealing with emotional anguish, loss and sadness.

If you answered yes to some of the above questions, you may benefit from further developing your empathy.

10 Tips to improve your empathy

1. Actively listen and pay attention to the other person in a conversation without being judgemental.
2. Focus on the non-verbal cues to understand the emotions behind what is being said.
3. Ensure that your body language show that you are interested in the other person’s point of view and that you want to listen (keep eye contact and do not look at your phone).
4. Try to understand the other person’s perspective and their reasoning behind it. Ask sincere questions for clarification.
5. Imagine yourself in their situation and how they might be feeling.
6. Watch a conversation from a distance. Try to identify what the participants are feeling
7. Think about friends or colleagues that in your opinion are empathetic. What do they do that makes you feel this way?
8. Make a list of what you can do to make people you have contact with on a daily basis feel more valued and respected.
9. Always be thankful and kind.
10. Show gratitude.

Empathy can be further developed. You must however be willing to consider the perspective of others, even if you do not agree with their view of the world. Empathy does not only benefit others. As we develop our empathy, we but broaden our perspective of the world.

This assists us in responding more appropriate in the situation when dealing with life on a daily basis. Especially in trying times and crisis, empathy will pull us through. It will help to bind us together as a team. As a responsible member of the larger community we live and work in, we will do our part and come out stronger in the end.

Prior articles in the Emotional Intelligence series:

1. What Emotional Intelligence (EQ) really means and how it can be a good predictor of success
2. 7 Misconceptions about Emotional Intelligence
3. 5 Practical steps to improve your Self-awareness

About the Author

Eben holds a Doctor of Technology degree from the Cape Peninsula University of Technology, as well as an MBA degree from Stellenbosch University. He is an experienced emotional intelligence author and speaker. In addition to presenting emotional intelligence talks and facilitating emotional intelligence workshops, Eben has published articles and book chapters on leadership and emotional intelligence in local and international publications.

Contact him on LinkedIn if you need a speaker or workshop facilitator on emotional intelligence for your next team engagement.