March 9, 2021June 9, 2021 Linky

Emotional Intelligence: A Quick Guide to Empathy

By Dr Eben van Blerk

Most of us from time to time say something (or do not say something) that we regret. Our intentions were good but our behaviour did not match up. Our good intentions were hijacked by our emotions. Often, this is stressful for us and for others. This is where our emotional intelligence (EI) and specifically empathy can assist us to manage our emotions in order to live our good intentions.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is the ability to see a situation from the perspective of others. It is understanding the feelings and thoughts of others as they experience the situation and putting yourself in their shoes.

Empathy means being there for someone, listening to them and having a sincere interest in their feelings and perspective. It is an honest and practical demonstration of their importance to you. Empathy is about connecting emotionally. In the process, we build bonds that often last a lifetime.

Lack of empathy

Why are we considering empathy? A lack of empathy affects the bottom line in companies. It leads to morale problems, disengaged employees, poor conflict handling and resulting loss of profit. Customers experiencing a lack of empathy leave. They tell everyone willing to listen about their bad experience and encourage them not to do business with you anymore. By not being empathetic, you may be seen as not caring, aloof, not respecting others and insensitive to their feelings. This may trigger feelings of anger and resentment leading to broken relationships on a business and social level. Sometimes, when your name is mentioned years later, these feelings are rekindled.

Benefits of having more empathy

Empathy helps to build long lasting trusting relationships. Seeing the world from the perspective of others helps you to act appropriately in any given situation. When you show empathy, the other person feels valued, respected and listened to. This will connect you to them emotionally. People will feel drawn to you and stay by your side. This will result in give-and-take behaviour where they will be more likely to care, listen, help and support you as well.

Empathy self-test

Consider the following statements:

Yes/No: I sometimes struggle to understand what someone else is feeling and what they might be thinking under their current circumstances.
Yes/No: I find it difficult to see things from the perspective of others or put myself in their shoes.
Yes/No: Sometimes, I am not able to feel with the other person.
Yes/No: I often fail to assure others that I am there for them and that they are not alone.
Yes/No: I am indifferent to people dealing with emotional anguish, loss and sadness.

If you answered yes to some of the above questions, you may benefit from further developing your empathy.

10 Tips to improve your empathy

Actively listen and pay attention to the other person in a conversation without being judgemental.
Focus on the non-verbal cues to understand the emotions behind what is being said.
Ensure that your body language show that you are interested in the other person’s point of view and that you want to listen (keep eye contact and do not look at your phone).
Try to understand the other person’s perspective and their reasoning behind it. Ask sincere questions for clarification.
Imagine yourself in their situation and how they might be feeling.
Watch a conversation from a distance. Try to identify what the participants are feeling
Think about friends or colleagues that in your opinion are empathetic. What do they do that makes you feel this way?
Make a list of what you can do to make people you have contact with on a daily basis feel more valued and respected.
Always be thankful and kind.
Show gratitude.

Empathy can be further developed. You must however be willing to consider the perspective of others, even if you do not agree with their view of the world. Empathy does not only benefit others. As we develop our empathy, we but broaden our perspective of the world.

This assists us in responding more appropriate in the situation when dealing with life on a daily basis. Especially in trying times and crisis, empathy will pull us through. It will help to bind us together as a team. As a responsible member of the larger community we live and work in, we will do our part and come out stronger in the end.

Prior articles in the Emotional Intelligence series:

About the Author

Eben holds a Doctor of Technology degree from the Cape Peninsula University of Technology, as well as an MBA degree from Stellenbosch University. He is an experienced emotional intelligence author and speaker. In addition to presenting emotional intelligence talks and facilitating emotional intelligence workshops, Eben has published articles and book chapters on leadership and emotional intelligence in local and international publications.

Contact him on LinkedIn if you need a speaker or workshop facilitator on emotional intelligence for your next team engagement.

February 18, 2020February 18, 2020 Linky

5 Practical Steps to Improve your Self-awareness

by Dr Eben van Blerk

Prior articles in the Emotional Intelligence series:

Emotional intelligence has become one of the top predictors of success in life, in the office and at home. Emotional intelligence can be learnt and can be improved over time as we continue to learn from our daily experiences in life. Improving your emotional intelligence will probably be one of the most difficult personal challenges. You will not become more emotionally intelligent without practicing these skills. You have to believe there is room for improvement in managing your own emotions. Developing emotional intelligence skills is not easy. It requires commitment to the cause, ongoing hard work, persistence and acute self-awareness.

Lack of Self-awareness

How do you know you lack self-awareness? Some of the tell-tale signs of a lack of self-awareness may be as follows:

· You are not able to easily read a room and pick up emotional signals

· You find it difficult to put yourself in the shoes of others

· You do not know how you come across to others (and you do not care)

· You do not know who you are and how your behaviour impacts others

· You find it difficult to admit and take responsibility for your mistakes

· You do not react well to feedback and often become defensive

· You often do not know what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way

Where to start

Where does one start? First you have to get to know yourself in order to start understanding how you are coming across and when and how to manage your emotions. Self-awareness is the basis of our relationships with others. Once you have the self-awareness to know when and how to manage your emotions, you can develop the empathy to put yourself in the shoes of others and truly understand their feelings. This will be the ideal position to build and manage interpersonal relationships, manage conflict and effectively collaborate with others. The problem is often people do not know how to develop their self-awareness.

Steps to develop self-awareness

#1 Decide to change

You have to start this journey of self-development because you want to and because you are convinced that there is room for developing your self-awareness. Developing these skills does not happen overnight. If you are not committed and dedicated it will take longer and in all probability lead to frustration with very little personal growth.

#2 Build an emotional vocabulary

Before you can learn the skill to manage your emotions, you need to know what you are feeling. Compile a list of feeling words (emotions) and use the list to label emotions as you experience them. Examples are angry, hurt, inferior, jealous, irritated, happy, frustrated, insecure, anxious, motivated and concerned. Extend the list as you learn to identify your feelings and expand your emotional vocabulary. When you are able to name your feelings, it is easier to start managing your emotions that lead to unproductive behaviour and negatively impact others.

#3 Get to know your personality

Once you have built a level of emotional vocabulary, you need to know why you are experiencing the emotions you listed. This will help to manage your emotions. Get to know your personality. An easy way is to complete some of the many free personality tests on the internet. This will provide you with a good overview to start. Also, start observing yourself in the moment, during happy times and during conflict. What are you feeling in the situation and why are you feeling that way? How do you respond in the situation and how does your body respond? Additional to a personality test, ask others for feedback on how you come across.

#4 Ask for feedback

Ask family members, your spouse, colleagues and friends with whom you have a trusting relationship to give you feedback on how you come across. Ask for honest feedback on what they think of you and your behaviour. How they experience you when you are on top of the world as well as in the moments you are not that proud of? Compare your self-perception with your reputation with your colleagues and your circle of friends. Take their feedback to heart. Reflect and use their feedback as part of your development journey. Continue to ask for specific feedback as you work on specific development areas.

#5 Write your own eulogy

The idea of writing your own eulogy may seem grim and make you uncomfortable initially. This could however provide you with valuable insight to live a more fulfilled life. Take time to reflect on your life. Consider how much you mean to other people, what you do for others and what kind of person you are. Think of what have you accomplished thus far in your life. What will you say about yourself if you had to deliver the eulogy? What do you think others will say? Consider what you want to be remembered for and what you want people to feel and say about you after your passing.

Improved self-awareness

Now that you understand self-awareness better and you have the steps to improve your self-awareness, it becomes easier to commit to growing your emotional intelligence. You will find that improved self-awareness will provide a better understanding of your motives, behaviour and thinking. This will enable you to start making informed choices towards healthy and productive relationships with others.

About the Author:

Eben van Blerk, a Doctor of Technology, has more than 25 years’ practical team work experience. He has published articles and book chapters on leadership and emotional intelligence in local and international publications.

Contact him on LinkedIn if you need a speaker or workshop facilitator on emotional intelligence for your next team engagement. His emotional intelligence talks and programmes are popular in the corporate and private sector. It will equip your team with knowledge and tools for improved communication, effective conflict handling and managing their emotions towards a more productive and fulfilled business and personal life.

July 23, 2019August 7, 2019 Linky

7 Misconceptions about Emotional Intelligence

by Dr Eben van Blerk

The concept of Emotional intelligence (EI) has captured audiences across the globe since the publication of Daniel Goleman’s research on the topic in 1995. Irrespective of the large body of scientific research published on the topic during the past two decades, there are many misconceptions about this field. EI is extremely important in modern day leadership, but it’s unfortunately easily misunderstood.

Here are 7 common misconceptions about Emotional Intelligence:

#1 EI and IQ is the same thing

EI and IQ is not the same. EI is often referred to as EQ or emotional maturity. Just as IQ is the measure of our cognitive intelligence, EQ is a measure of how emotionally intelligent or emotionally mature we are. Our EI indicates our ability to recognise and handle one’s own and the emotions of others. It determines how we interact with and treat people. On the other hand, IQ indicates a person’s ability to learn, recalling learned information and using it to reason and solve problems. The better we are at applying these abilities, the higher our IQ is expected to be and the better our chances of achieving high marks in school. It is possible for a person to have a high IQ but low EQ.

#2 Women are more emotionally intelligent than men

Probably the most well-known urban legend is that women are more emotionally intelligent than men. Women are not more emotionally intelligent than men and men are not better at understanding and managing emotions. In general, men and women are more similar than different when it comes to EI. Too few research studies regarding EI and gender have been done during the past two decades to conclusively state that one of the sexes is superior to the other. EI is definitely not a touchy-feely female attribute. Both men and women can be highly emotionally intelligent or seriously lack these skills.

#3 EI is about being empathetic

EI is often only associated with being empathetic or nice. Empathy is a core part of EI but not the only ingredient. Being emotionally intelligent does not mean being nice; it requires empathy for us to recognize the feelings of others.

EI starts with strong self-awareness and self-control skills to understand and manage our own feelings. In addition, it includes assertiveness to help us build and maintain constructive and healthy mutually beneficial relationships.High empathy together with other underdeveloped EI skills can do more harm than good.

#4 EI is born and not learned

IQ is an ability we are born with and typically develop until we reach our teenage years when our brain is fully developed and remains the same thereafter. EI can however be learned and can be improved over time as we continue to learn from our live experiences i.e. as we mature. The sooner we start developing our ability to recognise and handle our own emotions and the emotions of others, the sooner our EI will grow and help to building and maintain healthy and collaborative relationships in our lives. Developing emotional intelligence skills requires hard work. You also have to believe there is a need for change and you have to be in it for the long haul. Developing your EI will probably be one of the most difficult challenges you will ever face.

There is no easy fix and you will not become more emotionally intelligent if you do not practice these skills. Conscious effort and practice will lead to increased EI. It is also easy to fall back on old habits. Working on your EI is therefore a continuous effort. EI is not dependent on our genes and it is not just common sense.

#5 Emotionally intelligent people do not handle conflict

Emotionally intelligent individuals can deal with conflict

Having EI skills does not equate to an unwillingness to solve conflict or deal with difficult issues due to being too nice. Emotionally intelligent individuals are capable of dealing with conflict. Their ability to listen, understand, recognize and manage their own and the feelings of others, makes them highly successful in dealing with the issue at hand. They embrace and effectively solve conflict.

#6 Emotions do not belong in the workplace

The world of work is emotional. You cannot leave your emotions at the door when you walk into the office. Due to the physical structure of the human brain, emotions are a core part of our being. Emotions unavoidably inform our thoughts, actions and decision making and influence how we respond to others. The behaviour of others for example can influence how we feel and our emotions can influence our performance. Not being able to understand and manage our emotions in the workplace is often the cause misery and could potentially lead to losing our jobs or not getting promoted. Increasing research evidence the past three decades have shown that managing our own and the emotions of others can significantly influence our work performance.

#7 IQ is more important that EQ for success

Each job requires basic entry level technical skills and a level of IQ. On a daily basis as we operate in the trenches, we pick up more specialized knowledge and skill. We need this technical expertise to get the job done. Technical expertise alone however is not enough for superior performance. High IQ professionals often fail in their careers due to low EQ. They find themselves in trouble because they are not able to apply their expertise through productive collaboration with others. High IQ and technical expertise together with the lack of emotional skills to manage relationships often make clever people stupid. It is the emotional competence that adds the edge and contributes more to superior performance than IQ and technical expertise.

Also read: “What Emotional Intelligence (EQ) really means and how it can be a good predictor of success” by Dr Eben van Blerk.

About the Author:

Eben van Blerk has more than 25 years’ corporate experience and he holds a Doctor of Technology degree in ‘the role of emotional intelligence in information systems work‘. Eben has published articles and book chapters on leadership and emotional intelligence in local and international publications. His emotional intelligence talks and programmes are well received by the corporate and private sector.

Contact Eben on LinkedIn if you need a speaker and workshop facilitator on emotional intelligence for your next team engagement.

Your audience will be captivated by his emotional intelligence insight, strong interpersonal skills and practical teamwork experience. It will equip them with knowledge and tools for improved communication, effective conflict handling and managing their emotions towards a more productive and fulfilled business and personal life.

April 25, 2019April 26, 2019 Linky

Emotional Intelligence for Project Managers

by Dr Eben van Blerk

Predictor of Success

Which qualities do we need to be successful in life? Above average cognitive intelligence (IQ) and academic achievement are traditional measures of success in life. In fact, companies often focus on technical skills during recruitment and project staffing and ignore the human aspects. IQ, technical skills, academic qualifications and certifications alone however are not enough for success anymore. We are measured against a new yardstick. How we behave, get along with others and work together as a team, have become critical for success.

Much has been written about Emotional Intelligence (EI) the past two decades since the publication of Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book by that title. Research linking EI to performance at work has proliferated. Emotional competence is linked to performance in a variety of jobs, organisations and cultures [1].

The world of work is emotional. Most of us have experienced moments in our lives where we are caught up in daily challenges which distracts us from achieving our goals. Our energy is often drained by peak hour traffic, a difficult client or colleague in a project meeting. We start the day with best intentions but soon we find ourselves in the opposite direction we had in mind. Our emotions have surpassed all sense of reality, leaving us in denial and regretful about our behaviour.

The behaviour of others can influence our emotions and our emotions can influence our performance. Emotions can either help us to achieve our goals or contribute to us not being successful at all. Increasing research evidence suggests that learning to become more aware of our emotions and becoming better at managing our emotions can have a significant positive influence on how effective we are at getting things done. [2,1,4]. Research has shown that EI exceeds IQ when it comes to success. EI has become one of the biggest predictors of success at home, at the office and life in general. [3].

Emotions and the structure of the brain

Understanding the concept of emotion will add more clarity. An emotion is a physical reaction or change in our body based on what we experience in our environment, e.g. something we see, hear or think. An emotion is a trigger for our body to act. The basic emotions are anger, sadness, fear, enjoyment, love, surprise, disgust and shame. Each emotion is accompanied by a biological signature. With anger heart rate increase, fear leads to sweaty hands and enlarged pupils, surprise causes the eyebrows to lift and with shame, blood often rushes to the face.

Emotions are often referred to as matters of the heart. The human brain however is central to our emotional and rational life specifically two of its components, the limbic (emotional) brain and the rational brain. The limbic brain records everything that happens in our lives. It serves as our emotional memory and controls all emotional related matters and biological signals such as tears of sadness. It is the centre of our fight or flight responses and stores a repertoire of possible reactions when triggered. As we grow older, with life experience this repertoire of responses, is extended. Our response to each emotion is also influenced by our experiences, upbringing and culture. The limbic brain is key to our survival as humans. Our rational brain on the other hand is responsible for problem-solving and decision making.

Emotional hijacking

When faced with danger, the rational brain will start the problem solving process evaluating all relevant factors to devise a plan of action. While this is happening, the emotional brain will consult its repertoire of stored responses and send out the necessary fight or flight instructions to the body. The emotional brain reacts much faster than the rational brain and in effect hijacks the rational brain and simply takes over. Before we can rationally think what to do, our emotional brain decided and our body reacted. This is often where afterwards we struggle to understand why we acted in a particular way since “…this is not me, I am not like that…”.

Intelligently managing our emotions

EI in essence is the ability to manage the above emotional hijacking that happens in our brain. In layman’s terms it translates to acting appropriately in any given situation. From an academic perspective, EI is a “set of skills relevant to how we perceive, understand, reason with and manage our own and others’ feelings” [5].

If we recognise and understand what we are feeling and why, we can intelligently manage our emotions and use it to our advantage in decision making. Without this ability, our emotions can often be a source of great misery in our lives. The good news therefor is that EI can be improved, if we have the desire to do so. Self-awareness can help us to understand how our emotions influence our behaviour. This insight can assist in rewiring our limbic brain to ensure that our behaviour is more in line with our intentions and values.

This is the first instalment in a series on emotional intelligence. Further articles will unpack the business case for EI, how EI is measured as well as the difference between EI and IQ. Each of the emotional competencies that combine to make up emotional intelligence will be discussed in further detail. South African research on the role of emotional intelligence in project management will also be shared.

Please subscribe to Virtual Project Consulting not to miss any future updates!

References

Sala, F. 2006. The international business case: emotional intelligence competencies and important business outcomes. In Druskat, V.U., Sala, F & Mount, G. (eds). Linking emotional intelligence and performance at work: current research evidence with individuals and groups. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum: 125-144.
Bar-On, R., Handley, R. & Fund, S. 2006. The impact of emotional intelligence on performance. In Druskat, V.U., Sala, F. & Mount, G. (eds). Linking emotional intelligence and performance at work: current research evidence with individuals and groups. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum: 3-19.
Goleman, D. 1995. Emotional intelligence. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
Van Blerk, W.E. 2013. The role of emotional intelligence in implementing information technology strategies. Unpublished doctoral thesis, Cape Peninsula University of Technology, Cape Town.
Palmer, B.R., Gignac, G.E., Ekermans, G. & Stough, C. 2008. A comprehensive framework for emotional intelligence. In Emmerling, R.J., Shanwal, V.K. & Mandal, M.K. (eds). Emotional intelligence: theoretical and cultural perspectives. Hauppauge, NY: Nova Science: 17-38.

About the Author:

Eben van Blerk is a Manager and Senior Business Analyst with more than 25 years’ corporate experience in information systems. Eben holds a Doctor of Technology degree in the role of emotional intelligence in information systems work. He has a keen interest in the role of emotional intelligence in performance at work and a passion for assisting individuals, through coaching and mentoring, to become more emotionally intelligent. In addition to presenting industry talks and facilitating emotional intelligence workshops, Eben has co-authored articles and book chapters on leadership and emotional intelligence in local and international publications.

Connect with Eben on LinkedIn here

September 27, 2018October 27, 2019 Linky

Women in Leadership – 7 Skills to Develop

By Linky van der Merwe

“My best successes came on the heels of failures.” -Barbara Corcoran

I like this quote from Barbara Corcoran, Founder of The Corcoran Group, New York’s largest real estate company. Barbara is an expert in the art of leading a team to success and in how to build a successful business. It’s a big statement admitting to failure as well as success.

In the Project Management industry many women have the opportunity to take the lead on projects and in most instances they excel in this role. They care about their team members and derive satisfaction from leading a team to successful delivery.

But how do women become successful as leaders? If you look around, you will find women who are successful leaders in every industry, from government to business, entertainment, and sports. Fortunately, there are leadership skills commonly found among women in leadership positions, and they can be developed.

According to Susan C. Foster, an Executive Coach and author of ‘It’s Not Rocket Science: Leading, Inspiring, and Motivating Your Team to be Their Best’ there are 7 leadership skills that stand out.

#1 Effective Communications

The ability to communicate effectively is arguably the most important skill for a successful leader and it’s not limited to speaking, but also include listening, writing and being able to read and use nonverbal language.

Many women are naturally good communicators, making polishing this skill easier as long as it’s done deliberately.

#2 Strategic Vision

Successful women leaders are able to influence other leaders and effect organizational change.

Women need to trust their own voices and learn to ‘Lean in’ more by sitting at boardroom tables with decision makers and executives, as per Sheryl Sandberg’s book by the same name. They can excel at uniting teams behind a common vision.

#3 Creativity and Innovation

Today’s business environment is all about uncertainty and competition. Successful women leaders bring creativity and innovation to the challenges by bringing diversity, different working styles, and viewpoints to their teams.

#4 Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our own emotions, and those of the people around us. Some key elements are self-awareness, motivation, empathy and social skills.

Although many emotional intelligent skills are part of how women are made up especially when also being mothers, these skills need to be consciously developed and practiced.

#5 Critical Thinking and Problem solving

Critical thinking to solve problems means asking vital questions around a problem, gathering and assessing relevant information, and coming to a well-reasoned conclusion. Successful women leaders think open-mindedly about their assumptions and possible consequences.

Women who are always running around wearing many different hats, have to make time for thinking and for being reflective so that better solutions to problems can be found.

#6 Confidence

Leadership is about having the confidence to make decisions based on a reasonable amount of data and then doing what you think is right.

While women may not necessarily be brought up to be overly confident, this is critical if you want to succeed in leadership positions – you need to have faith in your own ability to make good decisions.

#7 Trustworthiness

Successful women leaders are trustworthy, first and foremost. When you establish a climate of trust, your team commits to goals, communications improve, and ideas flow more freely.

Building good relationships cannot be overestimated, as the trust fostered in such relationships is what allows teams to excel and work better together.

Source: 7 Leadership Skills of Successful women

Some content was reposted and provided by Maryville Online Degree Programs.

More Leadership Resources

Maryville University Organisational Leadership site for Women – containing research and tools for women managers, executives and entrepreneurs, to develop your skills.

Resources for women in the business world– The information from Zen Business.com goes in-depth on females who have changed the entrepreneur world, how to go about starting a business, writing business plans, Business finances and many other resources.

June 15, 2015December 22, 2018 Linky

Emotional Intelligence as a Project Management and Life Skill

By Linky van der Merwe

Most experienced project managers know the importance of Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence can be defined as:

“Awareness of one’s own emotions and moods and those of others, especially in managing people.” Source: Collins English Dictionary

Emotional intelligence is often what differentiates great leaders from the people they lead.

Four Pillars

There are generally four pillars associated with Emotional Intelligence, namely:

Self awareness – ability to recognize and monitor our thoughts and feelings.
Self management – ability to think before acting.
Social awareness – being aware of the emotional condition of others.
Social skill – ability to manage groups of people (project teams), building social networks, finding common ground with stakeholders, building rapport.

For more information about increasing your emotional intelligence, developing social awareness and improving social skills, read “Why Emotional Intelligence is important for Project Managers, from IIL.

For a good explanation of the value Employers place on Emotional Intelligence and how you can improve your Emotional IQ, see the Infographic below.

Created by the University of Maryland: onlinemba.umd.edu

Find more education infographics on e-Learning Infographics

Please click below to subscribe to Virtual Project Consulting not to miss any future updates!

February 5, 2015 Linky

Project Success Story – Let the Ships Sail

Success Stories Shared

Another project success story from an experienced project manager about the development of a new Forecasting system for the international Shipping giant, Maersk.

The project goal was to provide an electronic system to forecast and plan Maersk’s shipping schedules and cargo loading. The development team needed to understand a myriad of information for the cube to be developed. This included international port laws, time-zones, currencies, and the algorithms required behind the scene to create system intelligence that would enable Logistics Managers to accurately forecast, plan and schedule.

The project achieved its objective within two years of reducing the time spent on forecasting and making it more accurate. A centralised system, called Forecast, could be accessed from different countries and ports to streamline all forecasting processes in a fairly complex world.

To read more about the project challenges the team faced, what worked well and the lessons learnt, click on Success Stories Shared.

Please subscribe (top right) not to miss any future project management stories, tools, tips and more! Also have a look at the newly published Podcasts!

January 19, 2012February 10, 2019 Linky

The Project Manager and Emotional Intelligence

One quality a project manager needs to have to be really successful is Emotional Intelligence.

Your Emotional Intelligence can help make or break you. Emotional Intelligence or EQ is your ability to handle yourself and others. It is all about your ability to get along with others and build relationships. This also means that you can face conflict with the people around you and keep those relationships intact.

Think about it, your EQ is a conflict resolution tool! Here are 3 ways that your EQ helps you resolve conflict.

#1 EQ prevents unproductive conflict

When you are self-aware (one of the five components of EQ) you understand your moods. Who do you think is more likely to engage in unproductive conflict: A person in a good mood or a person in a bad mood? The person who is in a bad mood right? To build on that, imagine the person who walks around completely unaware of their emotions. Who knows what is going to set them off, they certainly don’t know.

Let’s take this even further, to really avoid unproductive conflict you want to recognize your moods and then exhibit self-control (another component of EQ). Yes the person in a bad mood is more likely to engage in useless conflict; but this person needs to be able to control their behaviours while in a bad mood. This is the person who gets that they are cranky and is careful with their words and actions because they know they are easily upset.

#2 EQ helps YOU navigate productive conflict

Sometimes disagreements are a good thing. When you lead your team through issue resolution, not every team member will suggest the same solution. From that productive conflict the best and most creative solution can be designed. Only if YOU and your team can draw upon your self-awareness, self-control, motivation, empathy and social skills (all components of EQ) to work together.

As you work through the conflict you are drawing upon your awareness of your feelings during the conflict and your self-control to behave professionally. You are motivated to work things out and care about seeing the issue through until the best solution is found. You don’t care if the solution selected is your solution, you care that it is the right solution. You employ active listening (part of empathy) to guide the team through the discussion and you draw upon your social skills to seek participation from all appropriate parties.

#3 EQ helps you repair relationships

Even with your best intentions and best behaviour, not all conflict is productive conflict. Sometimes feelings get hurt. Now what are you going to do about it?

You are going to use all of your EQ skills to repair those relationships. This might involve listening to the wounded parties as they share with you why they are upset and what you can do to help. If could mean that you invite them to lunch or for coffee to show that you have no hard feelings. Whatever approach you take, the fact is that if you were not emotionally intelligent it would not even occur to you that you should work to repair the relationship. If you ignore a damaged relationship, you are inviting additional and unnecessary conflict.

Want to know more about improving your EQ?

Other recommended resources: